Sunday, March 29, 2015

Welcome Back...Again (and Again)

...or just welcome if you've never been here before although you probably have.

This is partially a new weight loss blog and partially a recreation of the last blog because I'm keeping the best of the best of my posts and will be reposting them throughout the weeks.

Over time I've found that blogging helps keep me accountable plus, I love to write and I'm pretty good at it (maybe there's a memoir in my future?). I just need to stick with it the way I need to stick with a lot of things so here's to a new start! I've also found that when I don't blog I definitely fall off the wagon and hard to boot!

So like I said earlier, I went through the remains of my other blog and saved my best and favorite posts along with DVD reviews and recipes so you'll be seeing those reposted but definitely plan for a lot of new content since I'm starting this journey over fresh and inspired.

I also want to post more often. It helps keep me motivated and inspired and I'm tired of short and boring posts just to have something written. I want to improve over the last blog, not just drag this along behind me like a cat on a leash (unless you're one of our cats, then you don't get dragged, you run!)

Anyway, I want to start with an old entry (from my old, old blog) that I've touched it up and updated. If any of it sounds familiar, maybe, it's because you've read it before.

So keep reading and keep checking in. I am convinced that this blog, along with My Fitness Pal and exercise, will help me find success this time around, because, frankly, I'm not getting any younger or any fitter and I HAVE TO get this thing under control. There's just no other acceptable option!

"Fat is Not a Four-Letter Word!"

I'm fat.

I'm really fat.

I have no problems admitting I'm fat, writing about my weight issues or, obviously, calling myself fat.

To me, fat is not an insult, it's a description.

I have red hair, I wear glasses and I'm fat.

If people say, "Geez she's gotten fat." or "I can't believe how much she's gained," or do a double take after not seeing me for a few years, I wouldn't be offended. Yeah, it might sting a bit but it is what it is (I actually hate that statement and here I am using it).

Of course if someone were to call me a hippo's behind or fat ass or Gilbert Grape's mother, yeah, that would hurt. Because that's just mean. But just fat? No. It's not an insult to me.

But...am I happy being fat?

Hell no.

Am I healthy at this size?

Hell no again.

Do I need to lose weight?

Yes, very badly.

Have I tried to lose weight?

That's like asking if Michael Phelps has tried to swim.

Have I failed at losing weight?

Time and time again.

Is it my fault I'm fat?

Well, here we get into some finer details.

Partially, yes, it is my fault. Food is my friend, my comfort, and my obsession. I think about food, I dream about food, it helps me when I have a bad day, it satisfies me when I'm bored. Basically, food and I have a very unhealthy relationship, and it's not like we can break up.

If I needed to quit drinking I could get rid of all the alcohol. If I needed to quit smoking, I could get rid of all cigarettes. It would be very hard but it's doable, throw those things away and never look back.

But you can't get rid of food. We can't live without it. Sure, we can live without chips, ice cream, deep fried crap, cake, McDonald's...whatever...but we have to eat something. We can't just get it out of our lives.

And it's everywhere. Not the good stuff but all the delicious, wonderful, yummy, artery clogging goodness. In commercials, in magazine ads, in the stores, on billboards, in advertisements. It is everywhere. Calling to you, offering itself to you, so much yummy goodness for such a small price. But is the price really that small?

Not in my body it's not. In my body we have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, obesity, heading towards diabetes if I don't do something soon, back problems, knee problems, aching joints...and I'm only (only) 41.

I breathe hard climbing more than one flight of stairs. Forget anything like hiking, it's just not going to happen. My clothing sizes continue to grow. I don't even look at myself in the full-length mirror anymore because I hate what I see and I am shocked when I see myself in photos. Like, holy crap, is that really me? Really? What the hell have I done to myself!?!

But, back to the topic of fault. As I said, yes, a big part of it is my fault. But another part relates to my meds. I am on a lot of meds, most of them being psych meds. And these meds are notorious weight gainers and yeah, since I've been on them I've gained a ton of weight. In fact, my first mood stabilizer put 50 pounds on me in less than 2 months. This was 11 years ago and I'm still carrying that 50 pounds plus some.

So, partly I can blame the meds but, really, the meds are just a small part of this whole thing.

I need to lose this weight. I know it, my family knows it, my friends know it. Most are too polite to say anything but I know how big I am and I know how badly my clothes fit and how out of shape I am. Trust me, I know it every part of every day. And I know it even more now that I've had to go up to a size of jeans I've never worn before and see numbers on the scale that my body has never experienced.

And wanting to lose this weight. Do I want to lose it to be healthy? Yeah, that's a part of it.

Do I want to lose it to look better. Sad to say, that's a bigger part for me than health. But I think a lot of people would answer that way.

And do I know what to do? Of course I do. I know all about exercise, calories, points, fat, cholesterol, healthy portions and so on and on and on. I know and I read and I plan. And I do great for a day here or a week there. And then I mess up and give up the whole damn thing until I decide to start again.

It's frustrating and irritating and embarrassing. And it's completely my own fault. I have to have the willpower to stick with it and while I have the knowledge and the desire, the willpower is lacking.

But, I'm not about to quit. It took me a long time to get to this point. I didn't gain this weight overnight through one piece of cake or one pint of Ben and Jerry's. It took years to gain and it will take years to come back off.

I have to take it one little step at a time; one day, one bite, on portion at at time. I'm not going to wake up thin tomorrow morning. But maybe I will a year or two from now.

In the meantime, here I am. Starting again and believing that, yes, this time I WILL succeed!

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