Wednesday, April 22, 2015

What Kind of Bodies Inspire You? (repost from old blog)

As some of you may know I pin. A lot. Like, really a lot. It's my hobby and it's not just fun and entertaining to me but it's also free.

I have several specific boards that inspire me. I have the "move your body" board with workouts, exercise links and motivation (that I post on here on Mondays). There are also two dance boards: ballet and everything else along with a body and movement board that's more just people looking awesome, usually while doing some kind of sport or exercise.

I especially love the ballet board. The bodies are amazing and the dancers are beautiful and graceful and just...perfect to me. I have always wished I'd done some ballet. Of course I have the rhythm of a stick and would have probably done horribly but I still wished that I'd learned even a little of it.

So when I want to be inspired I look at those boards or look for more pins for those boards.

But there's more.

There is one body, one specific woman, one character that really makes me want to lose weight and get in shape and that woman is Selene from the Underworld movies.

Not the actress who plays her, although she's gorgeous and thin, but specifically Selene. I'm not even a huge fan of the movies, I like them and all but they're not my favorite, but Selene makes me want to work much harder than I do.

And what made me want to work even harder was when I found out that the actress who plays her is older than me.

And yes I know. She's a movie character and she's in Hollywood and she's probably somewhat photoshopped and can afford personal chef's and trainer and bah, blah blah.

I don't care. If ever I want inspiration I looks at Selene photos.

I may have to print one out and put it on my fridge lol.

Who wouldn't want to look like this??

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Clothes I Remember (Reposted From Old Blog)

I own a lot of clothing that doesn't fit anymore, some of which haven't fit in many years, but I just can't bring myself to get rid of them.

Some have been lovingly worn, some are still brand new, some worn once or twice but they're all still there, in my closet and in my drawers, waiting to see the light of day again.

Sometimes I look at them and remember; when, where, how and why.

Does the memory of them make me smile?

Do they bring back a special occasion?

Were they my favorites to wear all the time?

Did they even get a chance to be worn?

I refuse to get rid of them. Some day, some way, I will wear them again. Most of them anyway.

There's the beautiful spaghetti strapped glittery black top with a matching sweater that I wore eight years ago when I was helping judge a state-wide art exhibit. I'm lucky if I can fit an arm into that sweater now.

There's the gorgeous flowy white top that Sarah gave me years ago for Christmas that I wore to her 30th birthday party more than ten years ago. So pretty, yet so far out of my reach now.

There's the long black skirt I wore to church after my marriage ended when someone pulled me aside and asked me how I had lost that much weight. I didn't even realize I had lost weight. Ahhh, yes, the loss on the heartbreak diet.

There's the pink tank top stained with white paint that I wore to paint the boys' bedroom with Charles (once again only possibly semi-dating) and I still remember that he told me I looked hot in it.

There's the sleeveless red top that I wore all the time because it fit beautifully and I felt great in it.

There's the wine-themed pajamas that I bought in the same size of pajamas I already owned (same style and brand too) only to find out that they were far too small. I must have stretched the other ones over the previous year without realizing it.

There's the dress I dedicated an entire post to last week in this blog so not much else needs to be said about it.

There's the knee length black, flowy skirt that I wore with the aforementioned red top and strappy, wide heeled shoes on one of my very first dates with Charles (not even sure if we counted it as a date lol).

There's the gorgeous pink/red designed Victoria's Secret bra that I found new on Ebay for the fraction of the cost. Let's not even talk about how that ones doesn't fit!

There's the petite jeans I have from high school that I was able to wear once more after that same old heartbreak diet. I don't keep those to wear again as, let's face it, they'll never be back in style. I keep them for the memories and for checking my size as clothing sizes have completely changed over the years.

There's the adorable blue flowered top I wore once before it became too small and felt really, really cute in!

There's so, so many more. Hanging there, folded here, waiting until I can wear them again.

I don't feel bad looking at them because if I did I probably wouldn't keep them. And even then, I've only kept my favorites, having donated many others in the years that have gone by.

But now, now that I'm actually sticking with this health and weight loss thing they give me hope as well as memories.

Hope that the time will come when I can wear them again and make new memories instead of simply holding on to old ones.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Good Days and Bad Days (Reposted From Old Blog With Updates)

Today is not the best day.

In fact, it's one of the highest pain days that I've had in a while.

In my old blog I spent a lot of time talking about my health issues: the bipolar, the fibromialga (yes it is real), the bad back and protruding discs in it, the hip issues, the migraines, the random joint pain....well you get the picture.

Since this blog is still new I haven't gotten into all that stuff yet but all of these issues affect my plans and my ability to get things done in a regular day.

On a good day I get up and I feel awake and energized. Very little hurts, if anything at all.  I can bend and stretch and workout. I can get bills paid and work done and handle homeschooling in the best way possible. I can cook and clean and go for walks, joke with the kids, take care of errands, smile and feel good.

On a bad day everything changes. I get up and I feel dizzy and like I'm going to pass out. I need to sit down so my head will stop spinning and so I won't feel like throwing up. My joints will hurts but I will never know which ones until it begins. The last couple days it was just my knees. Today it's every joint in my body, but especially my knees, wrists and fingers.

When a migraine hits it feels like a sledgehammer is being slammed into the left side of my head and when my back or hip go out it's just a lot of pain.

I can't work out outside of a simple stretch and maybe a slow walk. I can't do much of anything without feeling sick and in pain. I try to sleep during the day because that helps and I usually feel better when I get back up. Usually. I'm not going to get into the bipolar thing here. That's a whole other post.

And the worst part of all this is that I look normal and healthy. You don't know if I am having a good or bad day unless you really know me and can tell. I don't look sick. I'm not bald as in cases of chemo, I don't have crutches or a walker or a wheelchair so even if my knee and ankle joints are hurting, it's not visible. I'm not blind or deaf.

It's true that on the worst days I limp, and walk funny if it's my back that day, rub my head and squint if the migraine is kicking in and so on. But most of the time my pain is invisible.

But that doesn't mean it's not real.

I wish more people would understand that.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

The Dress In My Closet (Repost from Old Blog)

There is a dress in my closet.

It's pretty and flirty and several shades of blue.

And it's a size 14 but I am not.

Not even close.

I remember buying this dress. My sister and I were at the mall looking for something for me to wear to her wedding and we wandered into a small store that had a lot of clearance items. I loved the dress when I saw it but was convinced I'd never fit into it, that it wouldn't look good, that I was too fat for it...but my sister convinced me to try it on.

And it looked really good.

So I took it home and hung it up to wait for her wedding after taking a picture of me in it.

That was the only time that dress fit.

I realized that only when I was getting dressed for the wedding. My hips, thighs, stomach, chest....everything had expanded in the time between buying and putting it on but, of course, the dress had not.

So I put it away and wore something I knew would fit me. It wasn't pretty or flirty or blue. But it fit.

I realized today that the dress has been in my closet for almost ten years. Ten years of not fitting because I've gained too much weight.

It did come out now and then. A few times I thought about selling it on Ebay.

A couple of years ago my bf Sarah tried it on and it was huge on her. But then again she's small and thin and I'm not.

But, still here it hangs, in my closet, waiting for the day when it'll be taken out and worn.

And that day will come no matter how long it takes because it's not just a dress. It's the dress.

It's a dress I felt beautiful in. It's a dress that worked with my body. It's a dress that made me feel thin and flirty and pretty.

And that kind of dress doesn't belong in the back on a closet, abandoned and forgotten.

It's meant to be worn.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

And the Truth Will Set Me Free? (Repost from the old blog)

This comes from my old blog but it's something I still deal with and something I will probably deal with for the rest of my life in one form or another.

Every now and then, when I see my therapist we spend some time time talking about food issues and losing weight.

We talk about binges, about "bad" foods, about shame. The shame that comes with eating the way I eat and the shame that comes with someone finding out how I eat and the shame that comes with someone looking at my plate and going"again?"

"I thought you weren't going to do this anymore?"

"You're having ice cream again? What happened to your diet?"

"Again? This is why you don't lose weight!"

Are these things helpful or do they just make me want to eat more?

And how do I eat when I eat "badly?"

Keep reading if you want to know but please, I don't need anymore shame than I already pile on myself.

I know.

I know it's not okay and I know it's not healthy and I know it's hurting me.

I know.

I know it's embarrassing, I know how bad it sounds, I know how bad I feel after stuffing myself and I know.


I know.

So lets do this.

I eat a lot.

There are weeks when I can easily down a pint of Ben and Jerry's a day.

An entire cheesecake.

A large bag of chips.

A medium pizza. Sometimes a large.

A pupu platter for two. Sometimes three.

Three servings of deli chicken tenders with 2 servings of potato salad and two servings of coleslaw plus ranch dip. Followed by Ben and Jerry's. Followed by chips. In one meal.

Sounds pretty bad doesn't it?

And by the end I feel so sick and swear I'll never do it again.

But I do, over and over and over again.

I don't want a slice of cake.

I want the whole thing.

I don't want a serving of ice cream.

I want a pint.

I don't want a slice of pizza.

I want it all.

No matter how sick it makes me.

No matter how much weight it puts on me.

I want it all.

Even when I don't.

I've had days when I had ice cream in the freezer and I would circle the kitchen, my anxiety growing, my hands shaking, going by the fridge over and over and over again trying not to eat that damn ice cream.

And I would fail ever time.

And my anxiety would go away when I ate it.

Is it lack of willpower or is it something more?

I remember sneaking entire pies into my bedroom in high school and eating them.

Huge bags of chips. Chocolate bars. Anything that looked good.

This isn't new.

This goes back for years and year and years.

My therapist told me that the more shame I feel for the way I eat, the worse I eat, the more I hide it.

And the more I hide it, the more shame I feel and it starts all over again.

She told me if I can't stop eating an entire cheesecake to only buy one serving at a time.

She told me to forget about weight for now and focus on healthier eating and that, with that change, the weight loss will eventually come.

She spoke to me about mindfulness (I really need to do that again) and about changing my thought patterns the way I learned about in the partial hospitalization program.

And I want to do all that. I really do.

It's not fun to eat this way.

It makes me sick and ashamed and disgusted with myself.

So why can't I stop?

Why is food my obsession?

Why can't exercise be my obsession?

Can an obsession be changed?

Or at least controlled?

Am I an addict?

I truly believe I am.

But can I finally put a stop to this after more than twenty-five years of binging and obsessing?

I don't know.

But I guess I'm going to find out.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Back When I Thought I Was Fat (Repost from Old Blog)

Fair warning: this post is going to be photo heavy!

So, like many, many women I have felt fat most of my life, even back when I really wasn't but absolutely believed that I was.

I went back through old photos and culled out my favorites that showed me exactly how fat I actually wasn't. I really hated having my photo taken so there's only so many but I think I've got a good selection here.

I've sat back and edited them and I just want to go back in time and shake that girl and tell her..."are you crazy??? You're not fat!! Enjoy this now. Enjoy your body, enjoy your health, enjoy your life!

                                              me at 19 in a size 5 dress
                                                 me at 17 years old

                        me at 18 or 19 years old...yeah, I was huge (rolls eyes)

                                         me Freshman year in college

But it's not possible to do that. All I can do is look back and think about the missed opportunities. The times I wouldn't go swimming because I would look huge in a suit.

The times I wore baggy jeans and baggy t-shirts so that no one could see my huge, fat shape.

I remember back at Youth Rally (a week-long summer camp for Orthodox Youth and some of the best times of my life) where I must have been 16 or 17 and I had spent all week wearing baggy clothes but put on a nice dress for church that morning and two girls gaped at me after a double take and said something to the effect of..."thats what you really look like? Why didn't you wear this kind of stuff all week?"

I don't remember what I said back to them but I think about that now. About all the pretty things I could have worn that instead I either didn't buy or hid in the closet until I was "thin enough" to wear them. And, of course, thin enough never came.

     me at Youth Rally at about 16 or so. I'm in the black, my sister is in the green

I don't believe I ever had a real eating disorder but I do remember a couple of months in high school where I ate less and less and less and managed to lose almost 20 pounds. I remember my Mom yelling at me about the food but I don't remember the exact words. I also remember feeling proud that I was able to eat so little and lose weight.

I think almost every girl flirts with disordered eating at some point in their lives.

I don't think there was ever a day I believed I wasn't fat. Not even in my first wedding.

                                             me, age 20, first wedding

I didn't start to gain weight until my first baby. When he was almost a year old we took some pics at a park and when I saw them I cried "Why didn't anyone tell me how huge I've gotten!!!" Yes, I had gained weight but I was far from huge.

                                the "OMG Look how FAT I am now" photo

And then I gained more weight with baby #2. And then more with #3 still holding on to the weight I had gained with the previous two.

                                      me with kids 1 and 2

I was the Maid-of-Honor at my best friend's wedding when I was 7 months pregnant with #3 and all I could think about was how horrible I would look at that size.

                          wedding hair and makeup, pregnant with #3

I was unhappy with myself (but when hand't I been?) and then our world feel apart as the ex walked out on us.

I stopped eating and the weight fell off.

And I got compliments on how thin I was getting!

           me on #1's first day at school, before the psych meds kicked in

Then came the psych meds. And the weight came back. And brought a lot of friends with it.

I still have the original 50 pounds I gained with the first round of psych meds and have only added on since then and a lot of it is because food is my friend.

I did manage to lose weight on and off for the next 10 years, especially during times of a major depression and I look back at those photos now and want to kick myself.

                     me with all three boys...I would kill to be this fat now!

                   me at about 165 pounds (which was HUGE to me back then)

I wanted to get a really great dress to wear to my sister's wedding and, while out shopping with her one day she convinced me to try on a beautiful dress that I never would have even looked at because, of course, I would be too fat for it. But it fit. It fit and it looked great. Too bad I bought it months before her wedding.

                           me a couple of months before my sister's wedding in 2005.

By the time the wedding came the dress was too tight and couldn't be worn.  It's still in my closet and someday I WILL fit into it again!

And then there are the other photos where I watch myself get bigger and bigger and bigger...

   me 6 or 7 years ago - I thought this was the biggest I would allow myself to get.
                                                             I was wrong.

                                         I got bigger (wedding #2)

                         And bigger (V's wedding...I'm in the blue)

                                                         And bigger

                                                        and bigger

                                               And this is about where I am today

I'm an emotional eater and I've run with it for several years now but it stops here and now. I will NOT get any bigger than this.

I will get healthy and I will get fit.

I may never be as healthy and thin as I was then but I can live with that. I'm not in search of my old body.

I'm in search of my new one.