Sunday, April 5, 2015

And the Truth Will Set Me Free? (Repost from the old blog)

This comes from my old blog but it's something I still deal with and something I will probably deal with for the rest of my life in one form or another.

Every now and then, when I see my therapist we spend some time time talking about food issues and losing weight.

We talk about binges, about "bad" foods, about shame. The shame that comes with eating the way I eat and the shame that comes with someone finding out how I eat and the shame that comes with someone looking at my plate and going"again?"

"I thought you weren't going to do this anymore?"

"You're having ice cream again? What happened to your diet?"

"Again? This is why you don't lose weight!"

Are these things helpful or do they just make me want to eat more?

And how do I eat when I eat "badly?"

Keep reading if you want to know but please, I don't need anymore shame than I already pile on myself.

I know.

I know it's not okay and I know it's not healthy and I know it's hurting me.

I know.

I know it's embarrassing, I know how bad it sounds, I know how bad I feel after stuffing myself and I know.

Okay?

I know.

So lets do this.

I eat a lot.

There are weeks when I can easily down a pint of Ben and Jerry's a day.

An entire cheesecake.

A large bag of chips.

A medium pizza. Sometimes a large.

A pupu platter for two. Sometimes three.

Three servings of deli chicken tenders with 2 servings of potato salad and two servings of coleslaw plus ranch dip. Followed by Ben and Jerry's. Followed by chips. In one meal.

Sounds pretty bad doesn't it?

And by the end I feel so sick and swear I'll never do it again.

But I do, over and over and over again.

I don't want a slice of cake.

I want the whole thing.

I don't want a serving of ice cream.

I want a pint.

I don't want a slice of pizza.

I want it all.

No matter how sick it makes me.

No matter how much weight it puts on me.

I want it all.

Even when I don't.

I've had days when I had ice cream in the freezer and I would circle the kitchen, my anxiety growing, my hands shaking, going by the fridge over and over and over again trying not to eat that damn ice cream.

And I would fail ever time.

And my anxiety would go away when I ate it.

Is it lack of willpower or is it something more?

I remember sneaking entire pies into my bedroom in high school and eating them.

Huge bags of chips. Chocolate bars. Anything that looked good.

This isn't new.

This goes back for years and year and years.

My therapist told me that the more shame I feel for the way I eat, the worse I eat, the more I hide it.

And the more I hide it, the more shame I feel and it starts all over again.

She told me if I can't stop eating an entire cheesecake to only buy one serving at a time.

She told me to forget about weight for now and focus on healthier eating and that, with that change, the weight loss will eventually come.

She spoke to me about mindfulness (I really need to do that again) and about changing my thought patterns the way I learned about in the partial hospitalization program.

And I want to do all that. I really do.

It's not fun to eat this way.

It makes me sick and ashamed and disgusted with myself.

So why can't I stop?

Why is food my obsession?

Why can't exercise be my obsession?

Can an obsession be changed?

Or at least controlled?

Am I an addict?

I truly believe I am.

But can I finally put a stop to this after more than twenty-five years of binging and obsessing?

I don't know.

But I guess I'm going to find out.

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