I have to get this out of my head before the pain gets so bad I can't type...we had a great weekend and I can write about that later but this is what matters right now. Last night I was wiping down the kitchen island because I got some water drops on it and I threw out my arm.
How do you throw out your arm? Apparently by spending 12 seconds wiping a counter top in a circular motion. The pain went from my shoulder to my elbow, focusing on my bicep. It came out of nowhere and it really, really hurt...a burning, spreading pain like my hip and back get. But in my arm which has never happened before.
I was heading to bed so I just tried to ignore it except when I would move it and then pain would flare up. When I got up this morning and it only ached and I was able to move it without major pain again so I figured, yay, it's done.
Why do I ever bother thinking it's done? It's never freaking done.
It started aching again as I was driving home but the major pain didn't kick in again until about an hour ago, pretty much for no reason. I went to the bathroom. I stopped by Gabriel's bedroom to say something to him, I moved my arm and that was it. The pain was back and I could barely lift the arm or move it around without a lot of hurt.
So I did some googling and yeah, this could totally be from the degenerative disc disease thing. Of course it could be. Of course f**king could be. Why not? Why not throw in the arm I need to use into the mix? Hell, let's throw in my fingers, my toes, my neck, my head... why not just throw in my whole stupid, f**king body! Why the hell not??? It's not like I need to not feel pain or anything. Let's just make it worse for the hell of it.
I might be somewhat upset right now.
I'm just so frustrated and so sick of this. I'm sick of being in pain but I've pretty much got used to the general pain by now. And I'm used to my back and hip going out. I'm getting used to the bad ankles and bad knees again. I can handle the headaches. I thought I had it under control, but my arm? The one I write with... the one I freaking draw with?? Why the arm????
I guess it doesn't matter why. I may as well stop asking because the answers don't really matter. I don't know what will affect my body part. It could be a fall. It could be a twisted ankle. It could be doing an exercise wrong. It could be sleeping the wrong way. It could be taking a tiny step back. It could be slipping on the snow or gravel or ice or nothing at all, it could be vacuuming and I guess it could be wiping a freaking counter.
I'm mad and upset and crying in frustration and pain.
When the hell is this going to get better? Or it it only going to get worse as I get older? I don't know. I don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know what will go next.
I've done the chiropractor, I've done physical therapy, I've done the therapy pool, I've done the gym. I've done all the exercises that were suggested to me. I've done yoga and weights and the pool and the treadmill and band and stretches and walking and whatever else has been suggested to me. I've done ice and heat and braces and the air cast and elevating. I've worked with a trainer. I've tried therapeutic massage, I've changed my diet (and that should help, right?). I've done research and reading and anything else I could find on the conditions I have. I don't know what else to do except acupuncture which I keep meaning to try. Why is my body still falling apart? Why is it getting worse instead of better?
I have an appointment with the DHMC spine clinic on December 10th. My regular doctor is past being able to help me so they're my next stop. I guess I can just hope they can help.
But today, right now, with ice on my arm and the pain spreading to my fingers as I type (which is why I'm stopping now) I don't feel very positive about this or anything else.
I just don't.