Tuesday, December 8, 2015

"The Lights Go Out One by One..."

I posted this a few years ago in an old blog but since it covers how I feel I'm reposting it here. I probably need more time to adjust to my med change but it's not really good right now...

...I'm trying to keep my head above the water. The ocean surrounds me, the waves hard like fists, each one coming faster, harder, barely allowing me a chance to catch my breath.

I am pulled down into the dark, as if an anchor is tied to my feet; an anchor, a boulder, a mountain, pulling me under the frigid blackness, where the struggle barely shows.

The fight feels fruitless, as if I'm sinking faster than I can swim, and it's exhausting, fighting this hold on me. It wears me out, looking out unto the waves that just keep coming.

I know this feeling. I've been here before, in this dark, in this pit, fighting to claw my way out, knowing I have no choice but to keep clawing.

And I'm so tired of it.

I just want to sleep. I know I need to get through the days and deal with everything that goes on...schools, kids, problems, bills, money, house, doctors, psychiatrists, therapists...they just keep coming, eating up my energy, dimming my lights, throwing me from one problem to another as if I were caught in the eye of the storm as I hold on, trying to walk the one path that makes the most sense at the time.

Nothing is exciting me anymore... not the weight loss, not Christmas coming, not getting the dog portrait finished... nothing. I try and act like "normal" but it's getting harder and harder...

...And I'm so tired.

I don't want to deal with any of it right now.

I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to go anywhere.

I don't want to see anyone.

I just want to be left alone.

But I can't do that. I have to go to work. I have to go to appointments. I have to take care of the kids. I have to smile and nod and make small talk with the people around me. It's forced but they don't know that. They see the outer shell I'm still able to project. But what happens when that shell cracks?

I really don't know.

I'm tired.

I just want to go back to bed.

But here, at the end of this post, I will leave you with this quote that pretty much covers everything I've said and the things I may have forgotten to say...

"Joy, affection, desire, pride,

humor are all drained away.

What makes life worth living

Disappears slowly,

Relentlessly

Until nothing seems to be left.

Anhedonia creeps in and claims

The person who once

Laughed with you,

Who once hugged you,

Who once loved to be

First on the hill

To catch the new powder snow.

The lights go out one by one.

It is the death of the spirit."

-Maryellen Walsh

3 comments:

  1. Sad, but nice. Hope all gets better.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I am calling the psychiatrist tomorrow morning so we'll see where we go from there.

      Delete
  2. Sad, but nice. Hope all gets better.

    ReplyDelete