So much to think about, to talk about, to write about... I need to get this stuff out of my head and onto paper (or computer screen as the case may be) before I go insane and it all comes back to food. The way it always does.
Let me start at the beginning and try to break it up to make it easier. Also, I've talked about some of this stuff before so parts of it may sound familiar.
1) I have had issues with food for as long as I can remember. I can NOT handle not having food in the house. I can't handle empty cupboards or an empty freezer and fridge. I have to stock up and there has to be food available, whether it's good food or crap... I don't care but the kitchen has to be full. It just has to be or I start to panic.
2) Food is everything in my life and I don't want it to be anymore but I'm not sure how to change it. Food is there when I'm sad, happy, angry, bored, celebrating, mourning... everything. And I'm afraid I'm passing that on to my kids. If something goes wrong I make it better with food. If something great happens we celebrate with food. If I need to make someone feel better I offer food. Food, food, food! And it's never healthy food either, it's always junky, comfort food. I guess that's why the word "comfort" is there because that's what it does.
3) And then it becomes all or nothing. I can't have a piece of pie. I have to have the pie. I can't have a scoop of ice cream, I have to have the pint. You guys get the idea. How do I change this? How do I stop it?
4) I need to break out of my current low carb/binge mode because it's not working for me. Low carb worked great for me for about 8 or 9 months and then I just couldn't stomach the foods I was eating anymore. Of course, as it came out on my blog the week before last, I was making poor low carb food choices, I still need a break from it but it has to be a healthy break but I'm so scared of regaining the weight and not losing anymore that I'm constantly running back to low carb and I need to change that!
5) I do need to admit that I did not give clean eating a real shot. I was really excited about it and I meant to do it right but I lasted several days, then got freaked out by the thought of regaining weight, then binged for a while (which, of course, defeats the purpose of not gaining weight) and then raced back into the safety of low carb. So, basically, in the last two weeks I've accomplished pretty much nothing but gaining back some weight.
6) The binging has been out of control for most of last week. I've posted about that several times and it's currently under control again but who knows when it will come back. I honestly believe I have binge eating disorder but that still has to be dealt with.
7) As I said, I am terrified of letting go of low carb because I'm afraid to gain the weight back. I'm even avoiding things like watermelon and pineapple because of the carbs despite the fact that I'm majorly craving them. Like eating watermelon will make me gain back 37 pounds, right? Am I happy with low carb right now? No, no I'm not and I haven't been for a while so I seriously need to get past the fear and just give something new a try. A real try. Like 4-6 week at least and see what happens.
8) When I talk about letting go of low carb I'm not talking about letting junk back into my life. I'm talking about adding in healthy, good carbs and eating clean. I want to give clean eating a real try. I want to be able to enjoy food that Charles makes that I avoid because it has high carb root vegetables in it. So I end up avoiding healthy veggies and eating a protein bar instead. That just doesn't make sense!
9) I'm also terrified of eating anything that I don't have nutrition info for. I pass up Charles' soup, his veggies dishes, even freaking steak because I can't track it. Is that how I really want to eat? Is that how I want my life to go? To be afraid of everything that I don't know calories and macros for? No! I don't want to live that way. And to be clear, this fear has grown and developed over the last year or so and I've really limited myself because of it.
10) I know, especially rereading everything that I've written, that I seriously need to go see my therapist again and meet with a nutritionist (they were supposed to call me back yesterday but didn't so I'll be calling them again today). I'm so sick of being afraid of food. Will I ever be normal about it? Ever?
11) My trainer told me to stop making things so complicated and she's right. I overthink everything. I know what to do. I know how to eat healthy. I know that I want to eat clean-ish (maybe 80% clean and 20% whatever?). I know I need a break from low carb. My brain understands all of this but it still twists and turns and makes me doubt and judge and second guess every decision that I make. I'm so sick of living that way.
12) So... this is the plan. Eat clean, hydrate, work out, call nutritionist. But can it really be that simple?
I guess I'll find out.