Monday, November 28, 2016

Day 3 Low Carb

Okay, so I made it to day 3 with no issues... until today. Today is when the low carb headache kicked in which has happened to me several times when restarting low carb in the last three months. I've read that salt, broth and pickles could help so I'm trying the salt (I need to buy broth).

Normally Day 3 is when the worst of my carb cravings hit but I'm actually not craving them right now so that's progress. I normally start to feel pretty good by day 5 or 6 so I've got that to look forward too.

Other than the headache I'm doing pretty well. The scale is slowly moving down, I'm making sure to have some fruit or veggies every day and I'm doing great with my calories, protein and fat.

My goal is to stay under 50 grams of net carbs and the last three days have been 36 carbs, 38 carbs and 40 carbs (also 50 and under for total carbs as well) so I'm doing well there. I am having a hard time eating in general because I'm just not hungry for very much. Like, I try to figure out what I want to eat and nothing really comes to mind so I just pick the healthiest, lowest carb thing I can find. I do want to work on new foods and recipes but right now I'm just making myself eat enough to hit all my nutrition goals.

My psych meds change hasn't done much to help me yet so all that is still a work in progress and I know I need to start working out again. I WANT to start working out again. I just need to make it happen.


Motivational Monday

This is so true!!

Friday, November 25, 2016

Many Thoughts and a Final Decision

So, true to my word, yesterday I enjoyed a lot of food and didn't worry about calories or macros or any of that stuff. We're not going to talk about how awful and overly full I felt at the end of the day but rather about the things I thought about and decided on.

I spent a lot of time reading through my blog posts over the last year, especially the ones that focused on low carb. I also did the same for looking over my Instagram. I took in how I ate and how I did not eat, how I felt, how I looked and what my thoughts and attitude were like and I realized that I am not actually miserable on low carb. In fact, there were months where I loved it; how it made me feel, how I looked and how well I was controlling my cravings and my binges.

I've said over and over again that I don't binge when I'm low carb and that's true. It's like low carbing turns off the binging switch in my head but I actually have to get to that point. It doesn't happen right away. The first week, especially, is very, very hard for cravings and for binging and for feeling miserable because my body is getting used to something new and doesn't want to let go of all the delicious simple carbs and sugar that I've been feeding it. Of course I feel miserable and hate my life while I'm detoxing.. who wouldn't?

But it's after the detox, the "keto flu", the first week or so is over that I start to feel, well, pretty amazing. The cravings go away for the most part. My skin clears up, I feel energetic, my stomach doesn't hurt, the bloating is gone, the headaches and joint pain greatly lessen, the pain days get few and far between, I sleep better at night, nap less and get more things accomplished and the weight really comes off. And I don't binge and, most important, I don't want to binge!

Yes, it is hard work and no, sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes you really want a piece of bread or a dessert or whatever but those things are just not worth it to me and the less I have them, the less I want them.That is what I need to keep my focus on. Not how much I really want to stuff my face with carbs but how great I feel when they're not in my system!

So I am going back to low  carb/keto and I am staying there. I know I've said it before, many times, but this time I'm actually sticking with it. I do want to find a way to incorporate more fruit and veggies into my plan, especially veggies, but I have tons of information at my fingertips so that won't be hard to do.

And, as always, I want to get rid of cheat days because all I'm doing is cheating myself and restarting detox over and over and over again every week... no wonder I'm miserable on that kind of plan!

I plan on posting and tracking how I feel and how I'm doing both here on my blog and on Instagram a lot more often than I have been to stay on top of this so keep checking in and if anyone wants to join me in this or just in getting healthy in general feel free to write back! Support is incredibly important when trying to lose weight and get healthy and I am very, very  lucky to have that support in "real life" and online!

And to those of you who have gone on this roller coaster of a ride with me so far, thank you for sticking it out! I know I change my mind a lot and go back and forth but knowing you guys are here helps tremendously and I feel really great about my decision right now.

Will I whine about it for a while? Yeah, I probably will but that's why I blog! So, let's get this journey back on track and make some progress already!!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

November 24th Thursday Weigh-In

Thursday Weigh-In:
11/24/2016:         -4.6 pounds
Total lost:               26.8 pounds
Current Weight:     203.2 pounds

This was a weird food week. Some days were low carb days, some days were moderate carb days and some days were binge days. On top of that my weight varied by 4-5 pounds in either direction depending on the day so I'm not really sure I lost any real weight because I think a lot of it was gaining and losing water weight.

When I originally weighed in a week ago I was at 203.4 and then I spent the week going up and down all the way up to 207.8 but if you look at the exact week seven days apart, I only really lost 0.2 of a pound but since I'm counting from the day I weighted 207.8 then it appears as I though I lost weight.

In any case, like I said yesterday, I am not obsessing over calories and macros today. I'm just going to enjoy the holiday and the food and decide on everything later but my next short-term is goal is definitely to get under 200 pounds again!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Updates of All Kinds

Okay, update time...

I met with my psychiatrist and my most serious mood stabilizer (and the most notorious weight gainer I'm on that made me gain 50 lbs in under 2 months when I first started it) is being lowered to help with the depression. We're going down by 100 mg and will see what happens and go from there. Also, after talking to him I realized that my doctor may have possibly been right when he thought I was hypo manic back in late August/early September and I guess I'll listen to him next time.

In any case, it'll take a little while for the new dose to kick in so I'm keeping on top of this thing. I didn't even realize how many things I had slowly stopped doing over a 6 or so week period that I loved until I really started thinking about it... writing, drawing because I enjoyed it and not because I had a commission, working on creative projects, working out, watching my diet, losing weight, going for walks, I started binging again, I stopped enjoying my life and it's time to take that back!

And speaking of diet and food I'm still undecided between low carb/keto and moderate carb and, frankly, I'm done thinking about it until Friday because tomorrow is just a free day. Some days I feel like I really want to do low carb and I feel great on it, I lose weight, my skin is clearer and all sorts of things but other days I feel like I hate my life eating low carb and I can't stand to see another low carb food so I just don't know. I'll figure things out as I go and eventually I'll find my way but for tomorrow I just get the day off.

We're also now a two car family again which will greatly simplify my life because some days I felt like I spent half my day driving people back and forth between Charles' work,  my work, to school, to appointments, to parents appointments, groceries, and then work and school again in the afternoons... it was crazy and it broke up my days into annoying segments. Charles will use this car to get to work and back and wherever else he needs to go which gives me a serious break. Plus our newer car has to be repaired next week (wooohoo for a warranty) so we won't need to use a rental.

I think that about covers it for now but tomorrow I'll do my regular Thursday weigh-in and probably post again on Friday.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 20, 2016

I Really Can't Handle the Carbs...

Today I ate moderate carb and as soon as I was done with those carbs I desperately wanted and craved more... low carb may be a smarter idea since it fills me up and makes me not want to binge :/

I KNOW my body doesn't handle carbs well and I KNOW I do better with low carb and keto so why can't I just accept it???

A New Start, New Weigh-In and New Attitude...Let's Do This Thing - EDITED

New Restarting Weigh-In:
11/20/2016:           +4.4 pounds
Total lost:              22.2 pounds
Current Weight:     207.8 pounds

Today is finally my official, new restart of getting back to health, fitness and weight loss. I had originally planned to do low carb/keto but I'm going to start with moderate carb and see if I can lose weight with that (under 120 grams total a day). I think one of the reasons I keep cheating is because of how unhappy I am with low carb/keto so I'll start this way and evaluate as I go. I also eat healthier when I'm allowed more carbs (more fruit, veggies, healthy grains, etc vs. protein shakes and protein bars) and health needs to become more important to me than weight loss (I'm sure I'll feel that way eventually).

I know I was supposed to restart on Thursday, and then Friday and then Saturday but it didn't happen for a variety of reasons but it is happening today.

But, as you can see, my official restarting weight is 207.8 which is 4.4 pounds heavier than my Thursday weigh-in.

I think there are a couple of reasons for this: part of it is definitely water weight gain, part is how badly and how much I ate on Thursday and Friday and part is I think I had a big water weight "whoosh" loss from Wednesday to Thursday which is why it showed that smaller number (that happens to me about once a week). In any case, this is where I'm restarting from whether it's water weight or not so I am going to go forward from here and not obsess over it too much.

I'm going to continue with my regular Thursday weigh-ins from here on out and the plan is moderate carb, calorie counting and exercise.

I still have to see my psychiatrist Tuesday morning (I'm still really, really down) and I'm sure they'll be changing my meds around but even if I'm having med issues and can't get in a workout I can definitely eat healthy and count calories.

I'm going to take this thing in little steps and goals, some days will be okay and some I'll have to struggle through every hour but I did this before and I know I can do it again. I just need to stick with it no matter what and I know I can do it.

There can't be any more excuses or reasoning my way into crap food or just giving up. I have to do this; for my health, my mental state, the way I look, the way I feel when I see myself... for everything. I HAVE TO do this.

That's all there is to it!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Thursday Weigh-In

Thursday Weigh-In:
11/17/2016:           +3 pounds
Total lost:               26.6 pounds
Current Weight:     203.4 pounds

I knew the scale would go up and it did but at least it's not back up to 206. My only goal this week is to stick to strict low carb which I am restarting tomorrow. I am going to take it one day, one hour, and one meal at a time.

I think the best thing I can do right now is focus on one goal and break that up into little, manageable steps.

I know low carb is absolutely best for me so that's what I'm going with. If I can get through the first 5 days I will be okay. Day 3 will be the hardest and by day 5 it'll get easier and then within 3 weeks I'll be keto-adjusted and I will feel amazing but all that is being broken down into hour by hour segments.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist first thing Tuesday morning and we'll probably play with my meds then.

That's all I have for today.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Like Fog...

... it crept in while I wasn't paying attention, wrapping its tendrils around me so lightly that I didn't even notice at first.But then it started tightening its grip and things began to fall to the side... exercise, writing, spending time out with Charles, drawing, walks, tracking my food, laughing, planning, dreaming, believing I could achieve my goals... slowly, ever so slowly it all fell away until I was left exhausted and sad, angry and easily irritated, sleeping all the time and having to force any activity I had to do.

And then yesterday it hit me, I've crashed and I've crashed badly and it happened to softly, so carefully that I didn't even realize until just then.

Depression wormed its way in, insidiously, gently, almost like a friend... only it's not a friend and it's costing me all my plans and goals.

Normally I catch it before it gets to this point. Hell, I've played this game long enough to know when the pieces move across the board. I know how it starts and I know how to deal with it. I just wish I'd caught it before it got to this point.

The current med cocktail I'm on has worked for many years with a few tweaks here and there and I supposed it's time to tweak it again. I will be calling my psychiatrist today to set up an appointment. At first I wanted to start working out and hope that the exercise endorphins fix this, but, like I said, I've been here before, in this place of dark shadows and heavy weight across my chest and I know I need to deal with it now before it gets worse.

Mental illness is so hard but then when everything comes together and just works, you almost, almost forget about it until it crashes into your world again like a huge wave hitting the sand. That's one of the reasons I've barely mentioned it in months. Things were working so well. Things were coming together and I felt amazing. Crashing after is just... it feels like I've lost everything I've worked so hard for. It's taking away my joy, my desire, my plans, my goals, my hopes, my dreams... it's taking away my kindness and understanding, my patience and my... well, it's taking away everything that is me.

I'm losing me and I can't let that happen.

These lyrics from Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace" have always spoken to me in these times and now they do again:

"...I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go..."

Only I refuse to sink or let go.

That is just not an option.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Sunday Evening

And now things go back to normal...

We had a great weekend at Sarah's. We wandered around some malls, did some shopping and just hung out. It was simple, easy and relaxing.

I ended up low carbing all weekend and I'm fully back on track with that. I'm not sure what changed my mind from moderate carbs to low but on Friday I just decided to low carb again (low carb/keto) and I felt really good about it. I didn't have any major cravings and I ate healthy. I didn't even have much of Gabriel's birthday dessert just because I didn't feel like it.

I know I still have some general detoxing to do but I just feel happy about it. I actually want to low carb. I don't feel deprived at this time and I don't feel like I will hate it. It just feels right.

My goal for my weight right now now is to get under 200 lbs by Thursday's weigh-in day and then to keep going from there in five pound increments like before. Eventually I'll start taking my measurements again but I have a ways to go before they start moving down.

So, now that we're home from this trip, it's time to get everything else back on track. Tomorrow I'm going to start working out again, beginning with Push Day A and some cardio. I'm also going to stick with the low carb/keto and plan my food carefully.

I also have other things to get organized with like the drawing commissions, writing, and life in general. I've really been slacking off in the last couple of weeks and it's time to get everything going again.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Thursday Check-In

Thursday Weigh-In:
11/10/2016:            -6.4 pounds
Total lost:                29.4 pounds
Current Weight:     200.4 pounds

I'm down 6.4 pounds!!! Holy crap! I know a lot of that must have been water weight but I'm so close to being back in the 100's that I can almost taste it! I should be able to make next week for sure!

Now here is the interesting thing. Most of that weight came off at the beginning of the week with the low carb days and only a sliver came off once the carbs went up. That definitely gives me something to think about....

EDITED TO ADD... I actually looked at the dates of the scale pics (yup, I photograph the scale numbers throughout the week) and the biggest drop in weight overnight was the day after I upped my carbs so it wasn't only on low carb days!

And, in the interest of honesty, I did have gelato yesterday afternoon to drown my sorrows over the election since I don't drink and, honestly, I enjoyed every single last bite of it. What I didn't enjoy was the totally miserable, sick, dizzy, lightheaded, heavy bodied and like throwing up feeling I felt afterward. I'm not even sure the taste was worth that feeling. Yet something else for me to think about.

And speaking of carbs, I think I may drop them some more this week. Not just because of how the weight loss went but because I miss how I felt when I was on a great low carb streak... tons of energy, almost no headaches, way less fibro and joint pain, glowing, clear skin and happy in general. I mean, I feel okay on higher carbs but I felt better on lower (once I get past the detox).

Now here's another interesting thing and this gives me some insight on how my brain works; knowing that I'm considering going lower carb because I want to lose weight and feel a certain way and not because I feel like I HAVE to do low carb, makes me want to do it again. Does that make any sense? Knowing it's my choice and not something I'm forcing myself to do and hating makes all thew difference. It's like reverse psychology or something.

Anyway, right now I'm going day by day. Some days I'll have lower carbs and some day they'll be higher. I'm going to keep weighing in daily and correlating it with what and how much I'm eating and I'll see what happens. Who knows, I may end up back in keto just because I love how I feel on it (eventually).

Anyway, everything I said the other day still stands. I still want a lifestyle and not a diet. I still want to be able to eat in moderation and find a sustainable way of living my life. I'm just sort of meandering my way along the main road toward that lifestyle taking my time to check out the small paths that break off and lead me in various directions just to see what I find.

But, in general, this has been a great weight loss week and I'm looking forward to many more!

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Checking in on Day Six

Today is day six of strictly counting calories. I've been eating a "normal" amount of healthy carbs... "normal" being under 100 - 120 net grams instead of under 50 for three days and I actually feel really good and am still seeing the scale move down so this just might work for me.

As I've said before, my goal is not just to lose weight, but to get healthy and to stop binging. Maybe if nothing is off limits but is instead allowed in moderate amounts when it fits my calories the binging may stop. I haven't had any desire to binge since I started last Thursday and even the cravings on day three were just junk cravings, not "eat everything in sight" cravings.

Maybe, just maybe, if I know I can have... let's say, an ice cream cone, and I know I can work it into my calorie count, maybe I won't feel like I have to eat the entire box of cones because they're "bad" and only allowed on one day a week (or month or whatever). Maybe if I treat food like just food and not like a reward or a treasure or something that is bad, maybe then I can stop binging and obsessing.

I don't know how well this will work and I'm still keeping the junk (including ice cream cones) as a very small part of my food plan (I don't want to use the word "diet" because I'm not dieting... I'm changing the way I eat and look at food) so I'm not sure how I will handle it when I do have it. I don't know if it will make me want to binge and my first test will be this weekend. Luckily, this weekend I'm at my best friend's house and I don't binge outside the home so even if I feel like binging it won't happen. It's like I battle-proofed my first "junk" try lol. My plan is still 90% healthy food for now outside of part of a dessert for Gabriel's birthday on Saturday and then Chinese on Christmas Day, but right now I feel really good about this.

The best part if that I'm not miserable. I'm not hating my "diet," I'm not obsessing over food I'm "not allowed to have" and I'm not craving it because I CAN have it if I can make it work. Just knowing that seems to make things easier.

This completely changes how I see my plan and my food and my eating habits but I think it's changing it for the better. I want to create a lifestyle here, not a diet that I will cheat on because I hate it. Of course I will keep evaluating as I go but as of right now I'm not doing low carb. More like moderate carb with the biggest focus being on calories and health.

Yes, I may end up losing weight slower at this rate but this isn't a race. This is my life and this feels very right to me at the moment.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Quick Sunday Check-In

I am at the end of day 4 of no binging. I did fairly low carb up until today but my head was hurting horribly (verging between a bad, bad headache and an actual migraine) so today, after days of Advil and Tylenol, I allowed myself to have some healthy carbs (still under 100 net) and it actually got better so I don't know of it's a weather thing or a low carb thing or a giving up binging thing but in any case, it's better. It's still there but I can actually function right now.

I'm still finding my way to how I want to eat and lose weight. Low carb works really well for me but I don't think I want to do that for the rest of my life so I'm incorporating good, healthy carbs (veggies, fruit, some whole grains) and taking it one day at a time. I'm still cutting out junk and crap and I'm sticking with no cheating, counting calories and macros, weighing and measuring... basically everything that has worked for me before only with a bigger carb amount. It'll be interesting to see what happens and I'll evaluate the plan as I go.

Yesterday was a really tough day for me with junk cravings but I made it through without giving in. Day 3 of restarting always seems to be the absolute worst for me but tomorrow is day 5 and it always gets easier around that point.

My next big thing is to start working out again as long as the headache stays away. or maybe do some yoga if it's lingering but not too bad. I do feel like I'm making progress instead if giving in and that feels really good!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Thursday Check-In

Thursday Weigh-In:
11/03/2016:            +9.6 pounds
Total lost:                23.2 pounds
Current Weight:     206.8 pounds

Well, there's not much to say about the scale today since I did a long blog post on it yesterday but there are no surprises here. It's exactly what I expected and I am fully ready to commit to this lifestyle (NOT a diet, a real lifestyle!) as of right now.

I did grocery shopping this morning and stocked up on all sorts of healthy, low carb food and I have meals and recipes picked out for this week already.

I'm slowly starting to feel better from this cold so I'm hoping to be working out again in a couple of days and in the meantime I want to go back to counting steps. Today is supposed to be 5,000 steps and I think I can handle that.

I'm also hoping to see a big drop of weight by my next weigh-in day due to water weight loss when restarting low carb but we'll see what happens.

I know I have a long road ahead of me (a chunk of which I have already walked) but I know I can do this. No more excuses. I can do this and I will. Just watch me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

It's Time to Face the Bitter Truth...

I have gained back a very large amount of weight, way, way larger than I originally thought and I found out by replacing the batteries in my scale.

Yeah... 206.8 is way, way, way more than 197.2. I guess I should have been able to tell from the way my clothes were fitting and how I looked but maybe a part of me just wanted to pretend a little while longer or something... I don't know.

So now I know (yes, I weighed some other things out to make sure the weight was correct this time). So what is my plan?

Well, I can huddle in a corner and cry but that isn't going to accomplish very much.

I could drown my sorrows in carbs and ice cream but that will just make things worse.

I could sit here and whine and complain but how is that going to help me?

No, what I'm going to do us to restart low carb with NO cheat days or snacks or treats or anything. I've obviously had enough of those to last me a long, long time.

I'm going to track, weigh, measure and preplan everything with no breaks and no excuses until Christmas Day when we have Chinese food. I'm not even sure that I'm eating anything special for Gabriel's birthday.

It's true that the weeks are going to become a little monotonous here with food but I need to get this thing under control now. I am 17 pounds heavier than at my most recent lowers weight in June and I didn't just pass back over 200 lbs. I skyrocket my way past it and need to bring it back down again. It's really not an option. I HAVE to do this for my health.

I'm going to keep breaking this thing up into small weight goals again. Weight goal one is to get to 205 lbs, then to anywhere under 200 lbs to hit onederland again and then keep going in five pound increments. Like I said, my lowest weight so far has been 189. 8 and that was at the end of June so I have 17 pounds to lose to get there.

It really sucks to have to re-lose all this weight but I have no one to blame but myself. There were only so many junk and crap foods I could eat before the weight started piling back on and I should have gotten it back under control months ago but I did what I did and it is what it is.

Now is the time to take a deep breath, square my shoulders back and start again. There is no other acceptable option.