... it crept in while I wasn't paying attention, wrapping its tendrils around me so lightly that I didn't even notice at first.But then it started tightening its grip and things began to fall to the side... exercise, writing, spending time out with Charles, drawing, walks, tracking my food, laughing, planning, dreaming, believing I could achieve my goals... slowly, ever so slowly it all fell away until I was left exhausted and sad, angry and easily irritated, sleeping all the time and having to force any activity I had to do.
And then yesterday it hit me, I've crashed and I've crashed badly and it happened to softly, so carefully that I didn't even realize until just then.
Depression wormed its way in, insidiously, gently, almost like a friend... only it's not a friend and it's costing me all my plans and goals.
Normally I catch it before it gets to this point. Hell, I've played this game long enough to know when the pieces move across the board. I know how it starts and I know how to deal with it. I just wish I'd caught it before it got to this point.
The current med cocktail I'm on has worked for many years with a few tweaks here and there and I supposed it's time to tweak it again. I will be calling my psychiatrist today to set up an appointment. At first I wanted to start working out and hope that the exercise endorphins fix this, but, like I said, I've been here before, in this place of dark shadows and heavy weight across my chest and I know I need to deal with it now before it gets worse.
Mental illness is so hard but then when everything comes together and just works, you almost, almost forget about it until it crashes into your world again like a huge wave hitting the sand. That's one of the reasons I've barely mentioned it in months. Things were working so well. Things were coming together and I felt amazing. Crashing after is just... it feels like I've lost everything I've worked so hard for. It's taking away my joy, my desire, my plans, my goals, my hopes, my dreams... it's taking away my kindness and understanding, my patience and my... well, it's taking away everything that is me.
I'm losing me and I can't let that happen.
These lyrics from Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace" have always spoken to me in these times and now they do again:
"...I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go..."
Only I refuse to sink or let go.
That is just not an option.