I am in a really horrible mood right now... honestly, I hate having to go back to low carb.
I hate giving up on trying to make moderate carb work.
I hate that other people can lose weight by counting calories but I need to count calories and carbs.
I hate being addicted to simple carbs and sugar.
I hate that I can't eat what I want when I want.
I hate that I threw away almost a year on trying to making things work while cheating constantly which, of course, destroyed any progress I may have made because I could have lost all this weight in that time.
I hate having to think about food all the time.
But most of all I hate how I look and how huge I am! I don't feel positive right now and I don't feel like trying to be positive. I want too, no, I need to stop this food battle!
And here is what it comes down to... I don't want to go back to low carb. I really, really don't. There's not a single part of me that wants to go back to it.
I did post yesterday that I was returning to strict low carb but I have deleted that post because there has to be another way.
I need to find something sustainable for me and that includes some grains and fruits and veggies. What I wrote before about moderate carb still stands... that is what I want.
But how do I get there?
Well, for one, I could take a lot more responsibility for my actions and actually stop the overeating and the cheating. I stick to low calorie on low carb but I allow myself to eat whatever when the carbs go up but why do I do this? Is it because the carbs have been causing me to binge? Well, no, not for a while now. I haven't been stuffing myself for the last week (excluding the last two days) because I HAVE TO EAT ALL CARBS NOW.... I was doing it because I could.
I can't even blame it on carb addiction and binging because that's not how it felt at all for the last several weeks. I could have controlled the calorie intake. I could have kept it where it belonged and still eaten healthy carbs... I just chose not too.
And THAT is what's screwing me up.
I'm not gaining weight and not losing because I'm eating some carbs... I'm doing it because I'm going way, way over my allotted calorie allowance because I've been saying "F**k it, I'll get back on track tomorrow... today I'm doing what I want" and I've been doing that every day.
It's not about being addicted right now. It's about being lazy and irresponsible and taking the easy way out.
Earlier it was an addiction and now...now it's an excuse and it has to stop.
No more excuses. No more "cheat days." No more getting on track tomorrow and no more forcing myself to diet in a way that I really don't want to. I don't want a diet. I want a lifestyle change!
The experiment is back on only because I didn't follow the rules and how can I know if it works if I break the rules?
I have never given calorie counting and eating healthy a real try because I always give in and cheat and then cheat some more. I won't know if it works for me unless I truly make it work for several weeks at the least. And who knows, I may fall back into low carb and NOT feel like I'm forcing it. That has been known to happen.
If I can control my calories and macros on low carb I know I can do it on moderate carb but the excuses need to stop now.
Right now. Not tomorrow, not next week and not next month.
It stops now because I have the power to stop it. I'm not helpless and I'm not trapped. I CAN control myself and from here on out I will.
That's a promise.