Thursday, October 18, 2018

Again... It Crept In When I Wasn't Watching...

"...I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow.
I never thought I could feel so low.
Oh darkness I feel like letting go..."
           ~Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace"

... and I didn't realize it was here until it was too late to cut it off at the pass. Again, there was no way to stop it. Again, in the fall, like the year before and the year before that and the year before that.

Again, depression steals everything from me... my positivity, my plans, my hopes, my dreams... the world is gray and cold. Everything is harder to do, like I am slogging through the mud, like my legs are made of cement, like the ground itself is pulling me down into the dark void that just waits for me with open arms.

Again, food doesn't taste good, music doesn't sound right, my interest in the world, nature, exercise, health, weight loss, family, creativity and everything I normally love fades away until there's a wall between myself and the things I once loved to do.

Again, it didn't have the decency to to come out and tell me it was coming. I should have expected it and I should have been ready but I wasn't. It rolled in like the fog, circling slowly, higher and higher, until suddenly I was coated and I can't seem to find a way back to whom I was before.

Again, it doesn't matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter how positive I try to stay. It doesn't matter that life is going well and there's no reason why I shouldn't be happy. It just is what it is.

And now, now that it's here, I can finally look back and see the build up that I wish I could have seen as it happened... slowly, brick by brick, step by step, away from the me I want to be to the me I tried to hold back with therapy and medication and hope.

Again, there is nothing more I can do but call my psychiatrist and my therapist and wait until they have the time to see me and go back to juggling medications and talking until something clicks and it recedes again like the tide, leaving me finally free to breathe again.

Depression steals everything from me.

Everything.

And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I never know how long it will be until it's finally gone again.

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